I knew today’s therapy session wasn’t going to be easy but I didn’t realize I was going to lose my sh*t in the last 15 minutes.

I’m usually one of those patients that comes in with my feelings right there. This is how I’m feeling, let’s fix me. But that was when we were still trying to figure out where my anxiety and depression was coming from. Things are different now that I know from where and what at least 99.3% my anxiety and depression comes. Anxiety and depression are a lot different at 44 than it was when I needed therapy 5 years ago, 6 years, 10 years…

I told my therapist, Dr. W, about Sunday’s panic attack. I told her how I was experiencing the panic but also about the detached, out-of-body experience that gave me the opportunity to look at what was happening. She asked what I thought of that clinical voice. I told her that it’s a voice I was able to develop over years that helps me not have panic attacks. It’s a quiet, unemotional, non judgemental voice that brings rationalization when my body and brain are screaming CATASTROPHE! It’s just not a voice I usually hear during a panic attack.

I explained that I was grateful for the calming voice. I would have appreciated the voice more if it had shown up earlier, giving me a head’s up that a panic attack might happen, but in this case, which is very rare these days, this panic attack gave no pre-rumbles, no warning signs that anything was going to happen.

I’m not going to go into every detail of the session because my thoughts are scattered and making a cohesive sentence about what I’m feeling is like herding kittens, puppies, and baby goats all at the same time.

I don’t need to add this gif to explain my thoughts, it’s not really an accurate visual – there are not enough kittens and puppies running through the goats or back into the barn to reflect my train of thought. But it’s really cute and I need cute right now.

I didn’t plan on hitting a nerve towards the end of our session. It happened in one of those sh*tty “aha moments” that involves lots of crying and snot. People who have been in therapy know what I mean. I wouldn’t call it a breakthrough, because that sounds too dramatic, but it’s a big clue. It’s probably the number 1 clue to what’s going on.

I feel pretty raw right now. But I also feel some relief. Actually, I’m feeling a lot of things right now. Raw, relieved, sad, happy, heard, acknowledged, nervous. This pretty much happens every time I go to therapy.

I think we’ve uncovered something, some core belief that has been driving me, and doing a crappy job behind the wheel, the last few years. I need to make some private notes to take back to therapy with me next week. I’m really glad I have an appointment for next week because I’m pretty sure I’d find the end of Google by trying to search of all my thoughts, and then return to Dr. W an even bigger mess. I don’t want to add anything. I’ve got enough to deal with.