Go here to read Part 1 Living Your Miserable Why

Not having a job gives you a lot of time. I spent a good deal of applying for jobs, updating my resume, and wondering what I really wanted from life and my career.

I decided to take myself out for lunch one day. My goal was twofold.

  1. Get out of the house and trust yourself so you don’t end up agoraphobic again.
  2. Write about what you want from a job.

When I first moved south some 18 years ago, I didn’t have a job for awhile. I was dealing with my newly diagnosed agoraphobia and depression. I had dealt with both my entire life but it wasn’t until that spring that I was finally diagnosed. I found myself becoming more and more comfortable staying inside and not going anywhere. Wrapped up in my misery and panic and fear.

It’s a long story but just know that my husband wouldn’t let me stay home. He got me a temp position in his office and made me get up, shower, and get dressed for work every single day. Last year I knew I couldn’t spend my time not showering, not getting up, not getting out because it would become too comfortable and the unknown become too scary.

Out to lunch I went. I bought a new notebook just for the occasion. I sat at the bar at my husband’s favorite chain steakhouse. I knew the bartender would mostly ignore me and that’s what I wanted. I needed to think without all the temptations offered at home.

I don’t think I realized that writing out what I wanted was really my answer to that why question. I may have been writing about what I wanted but in my self-reflection, the question “why that job” kept popping up. Why was that previous job supposedly my dream job? Why did I think it would make me complete? Why did I need the recognition of my peers so badly?

Here is what I wrote in that notebook. I promise I’m rewriting, word for word, what I wrote. My original notebook text is bold and my Why is what I’ve only recently discovered.

Values

  1. I like to laugh so I need to be in a place that isn’t’ stuck up or pretentious or uptight. Why? Because I grew up in a tense household. I know what it feels like to constantly be on guard. It’s a horrible way to live. Soldiers know who suffer from PTSD usually have being on guard 24 hours a day as one of the reasons behind their diagnosis.

  2. I value mentorship. So I want to be in a place where upper level or those with more experience mentor the new staff or the least experienced. Why? All my previous jobs that I thrived in had mentors or leaders that made a point of not just training their employees but also provided support in times of need and suggestions for moving forward in my career.

  3. I value friendships. I want to be in a place where people cultivate relationships with each other but not based on being miserable. This also goes for cliques. Real relationships not cliques. Why? This one sounds juvenile but it was what I had known for the previous 5 and a half years. Most of us bonded over our shared misery. We didn’t talk about books we read or movies watched, instead we discussed what new nasty thing our boss did that day. I was lonely. I wanted to talk about books and movies. I didn’t want to complain.

  4. I appreciate leadership. I want to be with leaders who get their staff involved regardless of job title. No one that abuses their power or bullies their staff. Someone who steers the ship and knows (that) without the rest of the crew, the ship wouldn’t go anywhere. Why? This goes back to #2. My favorite jobs were the ones where my supervisor was involved and encouraging. I feel better in jobs where the leaders lead but recognize that there are people under them doing a lot of work that give them the ability to do their jobs. I wanted to feel valued as an employee and not someone to be ignored or bullied.

There were a few more values but the ones listed above were the most important for me to live my why. Why do I want a job with good leadership? Why do I want a job with real relationships? Why do I need to feel good in my workplace? Why do I want to be mentored?

The answer is simple: I like coming home at the end of the day and not feeling like I was stuck under a garbage truck and dragged through the grimy and gritty streets all day. I like coming home and actually relaxing. I like not dreading getting up in the morning, especially on Monday mornings. I like that feeling happy, instead of miserable, lets me enjoy all the creative things I love. I get to be creative in my own way without politics and branding rules and overly critical people telling me “there’s too much white space.” 

Since getting out of my roundabout-of-misery I picked up my camera again. At the time I left the jobs, I hadn’t used my camera for my own delight for 4-years. I started painting and diving into new techniques. I even started to knit projects and not just endless rows of whatever just to keep me busy. 

Most importantly, now that I’m not miserable I’m getting healthy. My husband and I are working together to create a much healthier life for ourselves. We’re exercising and eating better than we have probably since the day we married. We sometimes get depressed that the scale isn’t moving downwards fast enough, or sometimes at all, but we don’t give up. A year ago, I would have given up. I had given up.

I’m in a healthier state of mind. I’m in a healthier job. I’m around people that I enjoy. The leaders in my department lead, thank us, acknowledge us, and appreciate us. To me, coming to terms with my “this is what I think happiness means to me” thinking has lead me to accepting less of what I don’t want and embracing what I do want. That makes me happier and healthier all around,